Police association chief Dirk Peglow has stirred debate with his advice to women to avoid relationships with men for safety's sake. But his provocative tip is not without reason, as statistics show.
There is no way to predict the future. A lot of violence in relationship takes months/years to appear. Plenty of violent and abusive people have no criminal record or red flags. And the ones who are really good at it… know how to manipulate people and tend to be very charming and attractive. There is no ‘standard profile’ of an abuser.
Further lots of bad partners only drop their good person act once they have reached a level of security in the relationship. I had one girlfriend who only started physically attacking me once we had reached the stage of moving in. Because she finally felt she ‘had’ me and she could be her ‘real self’, and that ‘real self’ was a terrible person and her fake self had been wonderful. Her ‘feeling safe’ with me was what allowed her to slap, punch, and kick me. She was totally shocked and BETRAYED that I left her for her physical abuse, because I was a stupid man who didn’t understand that “I had made her really angry and she couldn’t help herself because she loves me so much!”
There’s plenty of men in similar situations. I have heard men basically describing that they have been sexually assaulted without them even understanding that they are victims. I got friends who would be considered victims of domestic violence if they were women
I think it’s fair to say histories and red flags are not enough. But they are something. You will have false negatives (the guy hid it or his personality has changed for the worse) and false positives (the guy has changed for the better or the red flag wasn’t a good indicator).
You can’t predict behavior with certainty, but you can improve your odds.
This might be going too far. I mean anyone could murder their girlfriend in the right circumstances. I think it’s far more reasonable to suggest a red flag after they’ve murdered perhaps three girlfriends. Certainly four.
There is no way to predict the future. A lot of violence in relationship takes months/years to appear. Plenty of violent and abusive people have no criminal record or red flags. And the ones who are really good at it… know how to manipulate people and tend to be very charming and attractive. There is no ‘standard profile’ of an abuser.
Further lots of bad partners only drop their good person act once they have reached a level of security in the relationship. I had one girlfriend who only started physically attacking me once we had reached the stage of moving in. Because she finally felt she ‘had’ me and she could be her ‘real self’, and that ‘real self’ was a terrible person and her fake self had been wonderful. Her ‘feeling safe’ with me was what allowed her to slap, punch, and kick me. She was totally shocked and BETRAYED that I left her for her physical abuse, because I was a stupid man who didn’t understand that “I had made her really angry and she couldn’t help herself because she loves me so much!”
There’s plenty of men in similar situations. I have heard men basically describing that they have been sexually assaulted without them even understanding that they are victims. I got friends who would be considered victims of domestic violence if they were women
I think it’s fair to say histories and red flags are not enough. But they are something. You will have false negatives (the guy hid it or his personality has changed for the worse) and false positives (the guy has changed for the better or the red flag wasn’t a good indicator).
You can’t predict behavior with certainty, but you can improve your odds.
You can also generate a lot of false positives and shut yourself off from good people by assuming they are guilty into proven innocent.
Can we agree that women put themselves at enhanced risk if they date men convicted of murdering past girlfriends?
This might be going too far. I mean anyone could murder their girlfriend in the right circumstances. I think it’s far more reasonable to suggest a red flag after they’ve murdered perhaps three girlfriends. Certainly four.
You’re right. There’s just no way to be certain. Without certainty, we know nothing.