I dated a girl once who came round. She asked “are you going to give me the tour?”
I was like “uh, okay sure” so showed her around the living room, kitchen and back yard, before heading upstairs. I showed her the guest rooms and my room, and she sat on the bed and was like “it seems comfy in here”.
Right then I did what any guy would do, stopped for a moment, and said “it sure is. Now let’s head back downstairs and see what there is to watch”.
It was a good couple of years later when I thought back about it and it hit me like a train, “you fucking idiot”
I was visiting a friend who I had a crush on some many years ago and late at night she came into the guest room I was sleeping in, slid under my blanket, took my hand and placed it on her naked chest. I though “boob! 😃” and went back to sleep.
It took me years to understand she wanted to tell me something.
So, it makes a ton more sense once you’ve been the person trying to get somebody to take the lead in an intimate physical encounter.
A big part of the dynamic there is that as the person who wants to concede the initiative, you want to make sure that the other person is really actually committed to the thing you’re thinking about. Getting kissed by someone who’s thinking about smash bros isn’t fun.
You know how there’s a trope where it’s satisfying for a beloved to be able to wipe their lover’s mind of anything else by looking them in the eyes a certain way? That sense of being desired in a compelling way is really important for a lot of people.
So, when somebody makes a gesture like that, it’s intended to hit different depending on where you are chemically. If you had been completely beguiled at that point, you probably would have goggled and stammered like Don Knotts and she would have said something like “come here, sit down”.
And we all know that some people trying to get off will absolutely fake that level of interest. I think it might make sense for people looking for a longer term connection to find themselves doing this, cause one of the fastest ways to fall in love is to have emotionally connected sex.
I was once at a woman’s place and we had talked for a while and ended up on her bed with her in underwear and a bra, lying with her head on my arm and her hand on my chest, she says “I’m horny” and I think “oh whoops I better head out so she can get herself off” and LEFT.
Useless lesbian, right? But also, maybe it’s better that the two of us didn’t have sex, because I didn’t really feel compelled to, she wouldn’t have wanted to unless I had felt that way, and now we can see each other around and we might feel a little awkward around each other but we didn’t get into a mismatched situation in terms of investment that night (I think?).
I’ve been in other similar situations where I didn’t particularly care what the other person’s emotional state was and just asked them to do what I wanted done to me.
This is all subconscious in nearly all cases imo, I’ve just been doing this a long time.
I was just clueless as fuck. I’ve got the sum total of zero game when it comes to dating, not that it matters now I’ve settled down.
I did learn my lesson though. Met a girl who was absolutely stunning, like cover girl model looks, and she was lovely. Asked her out on a date expecting to be shot down, and she said yes. At that point I was like a dog that had chased a car and caught up with it, I didn’t know what the fuck to do.
Anyway, we went out a couple of times - nice restaurant, bowling, the cinema… had a great time with her but it wasn’t really moving forward and just kinda started to fizzle out, which was no big deal.
One evening she phones me, saying she was at a house party two or three towns over, and was getting bored - and asked me to take her home. No worries there, I wasn’t doing anything, so I drove over to get her and she hopped in, a bit worse for wear after a glass or twelve of wine but not absolutely munted.
Halfway down the road home, she’s like “actually, can we go back to yours? I don’t really want to get in and my parents see me like this”. Not a problemo, took her back to mine, got her a coffee and sat and chatted. She came through to my room when I was getting changed and crashed out on the bed beside me, faced me, and said “maybe I’ll sleep here tonight?”
I’d learned my lesson, I could see that she wanted all two inches of this rage and disappointment. So I said “sure, no problem… I’ll sleep on the sofa”.
I drove her home the following morning and she never said a word. I desperately wished I could have taken that opportunity, but the whole consent thing after her sesh at the party made it a little bit dicey. I never did get another opportunity. She was absolutely lovely though and I hope she found a guy that made her happy. 😊
In high school, I had a classmate that I was not yet in the ‘friends’ territory, but we knew each other and would make small talk. One day she asked me to come around and look at her family computer, usual ‘slow and acting weird’ stuff. Sure.
I go over, all prepped with a flash drive full of utilities, and get straight to work. After a bit, maybe an hour of just chatting while I run programs and make changes, she offers to show me her room. I mean, I’m just waiting for the progress bar, why not. So she leads me back and it’s a cozy room, all neat and tidy, and I stop in the doorway while she sits on the bed. I survey the room, I remember the bed being pink, like that of a flowers pedals (I don’t know names of flowers but you all know that one I’m talking about, pink with a shade of white making it a light pink). I said something about the room being nice or something, and she pats the bed next to her and offers that I sit.
“No thanks, I should probably get back to the computer to see how it’s doing.”
And I do just that. She asks for help twice more after that - and I’m just like ‘how are you this bad at computers’ but strangely the follow-up visits don’t show much for me to fix. Strange, why would she ask for help - and pay me - when it’s basically in pristine shape now?
About a decade later, it clicked. She was cute, tall, quite intelligent, and nice to talk to, but I’m both an idiot, and like 99.4% gay, so that makes sense. Had it been a guy, I would have connected the dots immediately.
Ah well, she had a better-than-new pc for quite a while, at least.
Decades later “You are more of a cuddler then I expected” still echos in my head after spending the night with a girl that clearly liked me that spent all day telling dirty jokes to.
I once had a girl in a bar tell me (after some flirting and kissing) that she was wearing white panties with pink hearts, to which I responded “That’s nice”.
Sigh, at least I’m not alone in my obliviousness. Can i stop beating myself up about it now? How about all those other unrelated past mistakes i made, can i stop beating myself up about those too? Sigh.
I dated a girl once who came round. She asked “are you going to give me the tour?”
I was like “uh, okay sure” so showed her around the living room, kitchen and back yard, before heading upstairs. I showed her the guest rooms and my room, and she sat on the bed and was like “it seems comfy in here”.
Right then I did what any guy would do, stopped for a moment, and said “it sure is. Now let’s head back downstairs and see what there is to watch”.
It was a good couple of years later when I thought back about it and it hit me like a train, “you fucking idiot”
Girls read this and say “A couple of years? Are you serious?”
Guys read this and nod their head. Every guy has a story like this, at least one.
Good to know that straight men do this too, cause this is an absolutely classic lesbian scenario.
I was visiting a friend who I had a crush on some many years ago and late at night she came into the guest room I was sleeping in, slid under my blanket, took my hand and placed it on her naked chest. I though “boob! 😃” and went back to sleep.
It took me years to understand she wanted to tell me something.
I mean you still touched a boob which is nice
Yes, but maybe it could have developed into a several times boob touching relationship, which would have been a multitude nicer.
Hmm, yes. I think we’ve covered all the facts here XD
Oh my that’s a good one!
This was in the early 2000s and I still cringe today 😑
This is absolutely a “women work in mysterious ways” cliché scenario.
So, it makes a ton more sense once you’ve been the person trying to get somebody to take the lead in an intimate physical encounter.
A big part of the dynamic there is that as the person who wants to concede the initiative, you want to make sure that the other person is really actually committed to the thing you’re thinking about. Getting kissed by someone who’s thinking about smash bros isn’t fun.
You know how there’s a trope where it’s satisfying for a beloved to be able to wipe their lover’s mind of anything else by looking them in the eyes a certain way? That sense of being desired in a compelling way is really important for a lot of people.
So, when somebody makes a gesture like that, it’s intended to hit different depending on where you are chemically. If you had been completely beguiled at that point, you probably would have goggled and stammered like Don Knotts and she would have said something like “come here, sit down”.
And we all know that some people trying to get off will absolutely fake that level of interest. I think it might make sense for people looking for a longer term connection to find themselves doing this, cause one of the fastest ways to fall in love is to have emotionally connected sex.
I was once at a woman’s place and we had talked for a while and ended up on her bed with her in underwear and a bra, lying with her head on my arm and her hand on my chest, she says “I’m horny” and I think “oh whoops I better head out so she can get herself off” and LEFT.
Useless lesbian, right? But also, maybe it’s better that the two of us didn’t have sex, because I didn’t really feel compelled to, she wouldn’t have wanted to unless I had felt that way, and now we can see each other around and we might feel a little awkward around each other but we didn’t get into a mismatched situation in terms of investment that night (I think?).
I’ve been in other similar situations where I didn’t particularly care what the other person’s emotional state was and just asked them to do what I wanted done to me.
This is all subconscious in nearly all cases imo, I’ve just been doing this a long time.
I forgot you were a lesbian twice while reading this Lol. Can relate. - a dude
I was just clueless as fuck. I’ve got the sum total of zero game when it comes to dating, not that it matters now I’ve settled down.
I did learn my lesson though. Met a girl who was absolutely stunning, like cover girl model looks, and she was lovely. Asked her out on a date expecting to be shot down, and she said yes. At that point I was like a dog that had chased a car and caught up with it, I didn’t know what the fuck to do.
Anyway, we went out a couple of times - nice restaurant, bowling, the cinema… had a great time with her but it wasn’t really moving forward and just kinda started to fizzle out, which was no big deal.
One evening she phones me, saying she was at a house party two or three towns over, and was getting bored - and asked me to take her home. No worries there, I wasn’t doing anything, so I drove over to get her and she hopped in, a bit worse for wear after a glass or twelve of wine but not absolutely munted.
Halfway down the road home, she’s like “actually, can we go back to yours? I don’t really want to get in and my parents see me like this”. Not a problemo, took her back to mine, got her a coffee and sat and chatted. She came through to my room when I was getting changed and crashed out on the bed beside me, faced me, and said “maybe I’ll sleep here tonight?”
I’d learned my lesson, I could see that she wanted all two inches of this rage and disappointment. So I said “sure, no problem… I’ll sleep on the sofa”.
I drove her home the following morning and she never said a word. I desperately wished I could have taken that opportunity, but the whole consent thing after her sesh at the party made it a little bit dicey. I never did get another opportunity. She was absolutely lovely though and I hope she found a guy that made her happy. 😊
I understand not wanting to be used on tap like that.
Like, “hey I’m over my depth here and I trust you” is very different from “I’m bored I bet I could lay that guy”, which is more what it sounds like.
Sounds like it’s just a people thing
https://youtube.com/watch?v=xa-4IAR_9Yw
In high school, I had a classmate that I was not yet in the ‘friends’ territory, but we knew each other and would make small talk. One day she asked me to come around and look at her family computer, usual ‘slow and acting weird’ stuff. Sure.
I go over, all prepped with a flash drive full of utilities, and get straight to work. After a bit, maybe an hour of just chatting while I run programs and make changes, she offers to show me her room. I mean, I’m just waiting for the progress bar, why not. So she leads me back and it’s a cozy room, all neat and tidy, and I stop in the doorway while she sits on the bed. I survey the room, I remember the bed being pink, like that of a flowers pedals (I don’t know names of flowers but you all know that one I’m talking about, pink with a shade of white making it a light pink). I said something about the room being nice or something, and she pats the bed next to her and offers that I sit.
“No thanks, I should probably get back to the computer to see how it’s doing.”
And I do just that. She asks for help twice more after that - and I’m just like ‘how are you this bad at computers’ but strangely the follow-up visits don’t show much for me to fix. Strange, why would she ask for help - and pay me - when it’s basically in pristine shape now?
About a decade later, it clicked. She was cute, tall, quite intelligent, and nice to talk to, but I’m both an idiot, and like 99.4% gay, so that makes sense. Had it been a guy, I would have connected the dots immediately.
Ah well, she had a better-than-new pc for quite a while, at least.
Well at least you have the gay excuse, but some people really are that dense lol
Decades later “You are more of a cuddler then I expected” still echos in my head after spending the night with a girl that clearly liked me that spent all day telling dirty jokes to.
I once had a girl in a bar tell me (after some flirting and kissing) that she was wearing white panties with pink hearts, to which I responded “That’s nice”.
Sigh, at least I’m not alone in my obliviousness. Can i stop beating myself up about it now? How about all those other unrelated past mistakes i made, can i stop beating myself up about those too? Sigh.
Life’s too short to get hung up on it, friend.
I know it’s easy for me to say, but each success; mistake; and blatantly oblivious sign that they’re DTF missed are all learning experiences.
It makes you who you are now, and that’s kinda awesome. You’re better than who you were before. Onwards and upwards!
Thanks for the good thoughts, at the very least you put a smile on my face :)